Family? (Not for the faint hearted)

Family...I mean what is the exact meaning of the word Family? According to Wikipedia, Family denotes a group of people affiliated by a common ancestry, affinity or co-residence. And that pretty much sums it up...for me anyway

Are you not suppose to think of love, loyalty, security & protection when you hear the word family? Ya see, im asking because for my family, these emotions never existed.

My mother fell pregnant at a young age and subsequently to this, got married (it was how things were done in those days)

She had my eldest brother at 19 and had another 3 kids including myself at the age of 22. On top of all this, her husband i.e. my dad was suppose to be providing for his wife and his kids...however, he was off drinking, gambling & having affairs - which according to him was acceptable....even in this day and age. My poor mother was left begging for food from St Vincent de Paul. I remember the christmas eves' when we used to get a big brown box full of food from them and THAT was a happy occassion!

So he left my mam everytime she was pregnant and came crawling back after the baby was born. And the sickening thing is that my Mam HAD to take him back because she needed the financial support.

It was control you see. He was in control of everything AND everyone around him. We are all devoid of emotion now. I have never told any of my brothers that I love them - even though I do with every ounce of my being. I have told my little sister I do - only because she tells me because lucky for her, she did not have to go through what we went through when we were her age. I have told my mother I love her once and that was because she was at rock bottom and even though I meant it, it felt wrong saying it because when i said it, i didnt feel the emotion.

I always think of very bad things, like if anything happened my Mam or my brothers and sister, how would I feel? The fact that I even have these thoughts, tells me that I am nowhere near ready to openly love and adore my family - because I still dont know how too.

Maybe one day ill wake up and tell them all I love them and maybe ill even go one step further and tell them why. Until then however, a grey cloud will cast a dark shadow over me and my family.

That grey cloud, is my father.