Euphoric.
Thats what I felt last Saturday. I felt like I had just won the lotto as I can only assume that is the feeling you get. Only I didnt win the lottery. I got something even better.
A phonecall.
A phonecall to tell me that "The Monster" was in jail and charged. I have been waiting for that call for 13 years and had been praying for it for another ten on top of that.
Even though once again I am an emotional wreck, I know that this time, I will get through it by myself (without the Pros) because I now know that finally, there is some light at the end of the tunnel. That he will now feel the humiliation, pain, hurt and most importantly, the fear that he inaugurated in me for most of my young life.
However, this is not just about me, this is about everyone who has ever had to deal with him. The people he bullied, controlled, possessed and ultimately tried to destroy will now be able to breathe a huge sigh of relief that the thorn in their side has finally been removed. They will also experience a feeling of euphoria, however, I am going to be selfish and say they will not get that "winning the lotto" feel it as much as I and two others will.
Justice is a word I have never use as I didnt really understand it - until now that is.
And for the people that didnt believe us. We dont hate you, we hate the fact that you didnt give us the chance to explain our side of the story. You judged us without listening and that was not fair on any of us. You chose to take his side and because you did that, we will NEVER associate ourselves with you again. Ever. It makes you as guilty as him.
So roll on 2010....as it will truly be the first happy year of my life and the end to of the worst year for two little angels
Thursday 29 October 2009
Tuesday 5 May 2009
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
That feeling you get when you do a good deed is so powerful it almost knocks you over. The andrenalin pumps this electricity all over your body and you find that you are smiling without even trying.
My favourite good deed? When I was ten years old....
My mother had taken me to the doctor because I was not feeling great. It was down in Johns Square, just behind Cross's Funeral home, in my hometown. It was very grey down there, the walls of the buildings - even the church was a cold grey colour. It reminds me of a scene from Angelas Ashes - without the rain.
Anyway, as per my first post, we had hardly any money growing up. The term "pocket money" was just that...a term, a phrase that never came into fruition.
We met an old friend of my grandmother's at the doctors surgery and she gave me two 50p pieces. I dont know why she did but of course, I said thank you and smiled as I felt like I was rich!
We were at the door of the surgery and my mother was still chatting away so i was playing hop scotch to myself on the payment. I was jumping about when I noticed a little boy who was around the same age as me. He had a little girl in a shopping trolley, she seemed to be about 3 years old. Her face was all red from the cold and what a looked like a raspberry sweet of some sort. They were both freezing, I remember that. That sticks in my mind because I always feel cold when I think about their poor little red faces with runny noses.
The little boy and I seemed to just stop and stare at each other. I wasnt in his way or anything and it didnt feel uncomfortable at all.
I put my hand into my pocket and I took out the 2 x 50p that I had been given and I gave them to the little boy. He took them and he never said a word. He never smiled but his eyes lit up when he saw what I was giving him and that was enough for me.
They carried on and I went back to my mother.
We headed back into town to get the bus home and my mother said I could buy sweets if I wanted too and I told her that I gave the money to the poor boy and girl cos they were very cold. My mother squeezed my hand and took me to Burgerland for a treat - spending money she didnt have. So, not only did my good deed make me happy, it also made my mother happy - which I cherished the most that day
My favourite good deed? When I was ten years old....
My mother had taken me to the doctor because I was not feeling great. It was down in Johns Square, just behind Cross's Funeral home, in my hometown. It was very grey down there, the walls of the buildings - even the church was a cold grey colour. It reminds me of a scene from Angelas Ashes - without the rain.
Anyway, as per my first post, we had hardly any money growing up. The term "pocket money" was just that...a term, a phrase that never came into fruition.
We met an old friend of my grandmother's at the doctors surgery and she gave me two 50p pieces. I dont know why she did but of course, I said thank you and smiled as I felt like I was rich!
We were at the door of the surgery and my mother was still chatting away so i was playing hop scotch to myself on the payment. I was jumping about when I noticed a little boy who was around the same age as me. He had a little girl in a shopping trolley, she seemed to be about 3 years old. Her face was all red from the cold and what a looked like a raspberry sweet of some sort. They were both freezing, I remember that. That sticks in my mind because I always feel cold when I think about their poor little red faces with runny noses.
The little boy and I seemed to just stop and stare at each other. I wasnt in his way or anything and it didnt feel uncomfortable at all.
I put my hand into my pocket and I took out the 2 x 50p that I had been given and I gave them to the little boy. He took them and he never said a word. He never smiled but his eyes lit up when he saw what I was giving him and that was enough for me.
They carried on and I went back to my mother.
We headed back into town to get the bus home and my mother said I could buy sweets if I wanted too and I told her that I gave the money to the poor boy and girl cos they were very cold. My mother squeezed my hand and took me to Burgerland for a treat - spending money she didnt have. So, not only did my good deed make me happy, it also made my mother happy - which I cherished the most that day
Friday 24 April 2009
Temptation
I mean, how much mystery, excitement and paranoia revolves around this word?
Temptation doesnt let you know its coming...it just jumps out from under a stone so fast that it almost catches your breath. Its seductive.
Of course, the timing is always wrong, mainly because it usually happens when you are in a deep and meaningful relationship.
It also presents itself in different formats, the most common one being the guy/girl in your life that you have become close too over the past while. You know you innocently flirt with each other, purely because one or both of you are in a relationship. More importantly than that, you start to tell each other your deepest darkest secrets, because you feel you can trust them with anything.
This is true, you can. They wont ever betray you because at this moment in time, they are your friend.
However, you have now put them in your "closest friend" category despite only knowing them for a little while because you can be completely open and honest about everything.
This is not called friendship...this is called attraction - and can be fatal if you are not careful
You start to enjoy each others company more. When you are with them, you flirt ridiculously. You start to touch their hand or leg in order to get that electric charge that fires through your body when you are desperately attracted to someone. The sexual tension is running so high, you feel you are gonna burst with excitement.
When you are not with them, you begin comparing your friend with your partner thinking well why can I tell him/her these things and not my partner? You begin to look at them differently too. They become so attractive that your heart starts to flutter when you get a text or an email...or even better, when you see them.
You start to think about them all the time, wondering what they doing, who they are with. Then you look across the room at your loving partner and think....you are so boring. Then you assess your "boring" life with them and begin to fantasise about what life would be like with your "friend".
It starts to get out of hand and the next thing you know, you have done it.
You have cheated.
You have broken your partners heart without them even knowing it. And for what? A thrill? Is the grass always greener on the other side? HELL NO.
Temptation is a word of the Devil. Fact. It is so evil, that it makes you take everything you have in your life that makes you happy, for granted. And then you are left with nothing. The pain and torture starts to set in and you keep asking yourself why you did it even though you know the answer, you just cant put it into words.
Well here it is: Temptation = lack of self control.
To find someone who loves you is rare. To find someone who loves you and you love them back, is exceptional.
It makes you think...is it worth it?
Well....is it?
Temptation doesnt let you know its coming...it just jumps out from under a stone so fast that it almost catches your breath. Its seductive.
Of course, the timing is always wrong, mainly because it usually happens when you are in a deep and meaningful relationship.
It also presents itself in different formats, the most common one being the guy/girl in your life that you have become close too over the past while. You know you innocently flirt with each other, purely because one or both of you are in a relationship. More importantly than that, you start to tell each other your deepest darkest secrets, because you feel you can trust them with anything.
This is true, you can. They wont ever betray you because at this moment in time, they are your friend.
However, you have now put them in your "closest friend" category despite only knowing them for a little while because you can be completely open and honest about everything.
This is not called friendship...this is called attraction - and can be fatal if you are not careful
You start to enjoy each others company more. When you are with them, you flirt ridiculously. You start to touch their hand or leg in order to get that electric charge that fires through your body when you are desperately attracted to someone. The sexual tension is running so high, you feel you are gonna burst with excitement.
When you are not with them, you begin comparing your friend with your partner thinking well why can I tell him/her these things and not my partner? You begin to look at them differently too. They become so attractive that your heart starts to flutter when you get a text or an email...or even better, when you see them.
You start to think about them all the time, wondering what they doing, who they are with. Then you look across the room at your loving partner and think....you are so boring. Then you assess your "boring" life with them and begin to fantasise about what life would be like with your "friend".
It starts to get out of hand and the next thing you know, you have done it.
You have cheated.
You have broken your partners heart without them even knowing it. And for what? A thrill? Is the grass always greener on the other side? HELL NO.
Temptation is a word of the Devil. Fact. It is so evil, that it makes you take everything you have in your life that makes you happy, for granted. And then you are left with nothing. The pain and torture starts to set in and you keep asking yourself why you did it even though you know the answer, you just cant put it into words.
Well here it is: Temptation = lack of self control.
To find someone who loves you is rare. To find someone who loves you and you love them back, is exceptional.
It makes you think...is it worth it?
Well....is it?
Thursday 23 April 2009
Family? (Not for the faint hearted)
Family...I mean what is the exact meaning of the word Family? According to Wikipedia, Family denotes a group of people affiliated by a common ancestry, affinity or co-residence. And that pretty much sums it up...for me anyway
Are you not suppose to think of love, loyalty, security & protection when you hear the word family? Ya see, im asking because for my family, these emotions never existed.
My mother fell pregnant at a young age and subsequently to this, got married (it was how things were done in those days)
She had my eldest brother at 19 and had another 3 kids including myself at the age of 22. On top of all this, her husband i.e. my dad was suppose to be providing for his wife and his kids...however, he was off drinking, gambling & having affairs - which according to him was acceptable....even in this day and age. My poor mother was left begging for food from St Vincent de Paul. I remember the christmas eves' when we used to get a big brown box full of food from them and THAT was a happy occassion!
So he left my mam everytime she was pregnant and came crawling back after the baby was born. And the sickening thing is that my Mam HAD to take him back because she needed the financial support.
It was control you see. He was in control of everything AND everyone around him. We are all devoid of emotion now. I have never told any of my brothers that I love them - even though I do with every ounce of my being. I have told my little sister I do - only because she tells me because lucky for her, she did not have to go through what we went through when we were her age. I have told my mother I love her once and that was because she was at rock bottom and even though I meant it, it felt wrong saying it because when i said it, i didnt feel the emotion.
I always think of very bad things, like if anything happened my Mam or my brothers and sister, how would I feel? The fact that I even have these thoughts, tells me that I am nowhere near ready to openly love and adore my family - because I still dont know how too.
Maybe one day ill wake up and tell them all I love them and maybe ill even go one step further and tell them why. Until then however, a grey cloud will cast a dark shadow over me and my family.
That grey cloud, is my father.
Are you not suppose to think of love, loyalty, security & protection when you hear the word family? Ya see, im asking because for my family, these emotions never existed.
My mother fell pregnant at a young age and subsequently to this, got married (it was how things were done in those days)
She had my eldest brother at 19 and had another 3 kids including myself at the age of 22. On top of all this, her husband i.e. my dad was suppose to be providing for his wife and his kids...however, he was off drinking, gambling & having affairs - which according to him was acceptable....even in this day and age. My poor mother was left begging for food from St Vincent de Paul. I remember the christmas eves' when we used to get a big brown box full of food from them and THAT was a happy occassion!
So he left my mam everytime she was pregnant and came crawling back after the baby was born. And the sickening thing is that my Mam HAD to take him back because she needed the financial support.
It was control you see. He was in control of everything AND everyone around him. We are all devoid of emotion now. I have never told any of my brothers that I love them - even though I do with every ounce of my being. I have told my little sister I do - only because she tells me because lucky for her, she did not have to go through what we went through when we were her age. I have told my mother I love her once and that was because she was at rock bottom and even though I meant it, it felt wrong saying it because when i said it, i didnt feel the emotion.
I always think of very bad things, like if anything happened my Mam or my brothers and sister, how would I feel? The fact that I even have these thoughts, tells me that I am nowhere near ready to openly love and adore my family - because I still dont know how too.
Maybe one day ill wake up and tell them all I love them and maybe ill even go one step further and tell them why. Until then however, a grey cloud will cast a dark shadow over me and my family.
That grey cloud, is my father.
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